Preppygrams Singing Telegrams 800-936-SING

'Gram of the Week (9/12/11 - 9/18/11)

2011-09-27T12:14:00.005-04:00

HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE DONATA?

Mary Johnson was a nun for over 20 years. With the chosen name of Sister Donata, she worked in the Missionaries of Charity congregation with Mother Teresa in Calcutta.

The operative word here is "was". She is no longer a nun. Having left the order, she came back to the States and wrote a book called "An Unquenchable Thirst: Following Mother Teresa in Search of Love, Service, and an Authentic Life".

The book, published by Random House, was scheduled to hit the market on Tuesday. Her story is in the October issue of O Magazine, with Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell on the cover.

What better way to celebrate and thank Mary's publisher and her agent by sending a singing nun to sing a congratulatory/thank you telegram from a former nun. (what's with all the singing nuns lately?)

Dan Conaway is Mary's agent. He nixed the idea of Mary's original sub-title for the book, which was "Mother Teresa Wasn't Always Pleased With Me". There was also some private joke in there involving Copernicus, when he awoke from his coma after someone placed a published copy of his "De Revolutionibus" in his hands, took his last breath, and died!

From there I went to Random House to sing to a group of editors, publicists, audio book producers, and their assistants -- all of whom tried their very best to take in the sight of a singing nun, congratulating them and thanking them for all the work they did to make Mary's book possible. I was a big hit all around.

Loved collaborating with Mary on this. The only unanswered question is "Who will play her in the movie?" She suggested that I should, given that I was so convincing in my habit. But I'm thinking more along the lines of Debra Winger, or her heir apparent!

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (9/5/11 - 9/11/11)

2011-09-21T11:21:00.008-04:00

THE WEEK THAT WASN'T !

This week will go down as being more interesting for the deliveries that didn't happen, as opposed to the ones that did.

On Monday, a woman called me to inquire about a delivery at a hospital in NYC for someone who had minor surgery. Each hospital has its own policy regarding deliveries, as well as what costumes are permitted. It's always best to check beforehand. Most hospitals DO allow singing telegrams, but generally limit delivery time to visting hours. Some restrict balloons and very often "suggest" that anything loud and outrageous be toned down. So even gorillas and chickens pass the smell test.

But this woman had asked about a grim reaper! A grim reaper?" Really? "A grim reaper at a hospital?"

"Why not?", was her reply.

"Maybe the fact that some people go into a hospital but don't come out. I think it would be alarming to have the grim reaper share an elevator with a relative of a recently deceased person....not to mention it's really in poor taste and inappropriate. I am sure the hospital won't allow it. And even if they did, I wouldn't be interested in doing this delivery for you."

"But you're in the service industry!" she snapped.

"Yes, I am," I replied, "but I have certain guidelines that have to be met. A delivery like this could prove to be hurtful to someone, just by an unintentional meeting. And that's not the kind of business I run. I can't fill the request that would result in your satisfaction."

"Well!" she clearly was clueless and exasperated by my response. Then she hung up.

I'm guessing she got someone else somewhere to fill her request. As I like to say, "wouldn't wanna touch that karma with a ten-foot pole!"

My second non-delivery started out as a delivery. A secretary called on behalf of her boss to order a Get Well singing telegram for her boss's partner, who was home recovering from being hit by a car while bicycling. At first she asked for a rabbi, because the partner was Jewish. After being told it's not on the costume list and suggesting the man might be offended, she opted for a singing nun, because her boss was Catholic. She claimed her boss approved it. I kept asking to speak to her boss to help clarify the order, but she said he was too busy to talk and she was authorized to do the ordering, which she did, using his corporate credit card.

The delivery was to take place the next day, between 1:00 - 2:00 PM. The next day at 12:36 PM, 24 minutes before the delivery is to take place and ten minutes away from arriving at the house of the recipient, Dina calls to say her boss wishes to cancel the telegram because HE thinks the nun is inappropriate and offensive.

"But you ordered it yesterday, fully cognizant of it being a nun, specifically because I didn't have a rabbi."

"Well, my boss changed his mind and no longer wants it." she said.

I told her she could change the costume, but couldn't cancel the delivery because I need 48 hour's notice and she's only giving me 20 minutes. I'd be happy to redeliver with another costume later that day, but she wasn't budging.

"This is not a shirt you can return to Macy's!" I said. "Let me talk to your boss"

Again, with the "He's too busy to talk to you. I'm authorized on his behalf to make the decision."

I should have just said that it was too late, I couldn't get hold of the messenger in time, and left it at that. Instead, I headed to my next delivery. Within four days, I got a letter from American Express with an attached letter from Dina's boss saying he was disputing the charge with all sorts of made-up excuses that made me look like I run a business that could get a Triple F rating from the Better Business Bureau. (30 years of great customer service being thrown down the drain!).

Thankfully, I have all the calls and time-stamps on record, as well as every page of my website showing the cancelation policy clearly stated. Over the course of the 30 years I've been in business, there have been about four disputes over charges and each time American Express has sided with me 100%, without even having to make a partial refund.

What's ironic is that in each case, specific to the delivery, there is something the customer could have said that would have left me defenseless. Of course that "reason" would have been a lie, but nevertheless, I would have no choice but to refund the money to the customer. (For reasons you can understand, I'll elect not to disclose it.)

So now, having submitted my data to American Express, I await the resolution which I expect to be in my favor. I'd much rather be concentrating on making someone's day a little happier!

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (8/29/11 - 9/4/11)

2011-09-19T12:02:00.009-04:00

HIGH MAINTENANCE

Tiffany loves her brother...dearly. She's the baby sister of the Safavieh rug and furniture store family that dominates the home furnishings industry. Their headquarters and warehouse are on Long Island in Port Washington, NY. Tiffany's also a little bit nervous.

It was her brother's Birthday and she called me that morning to do something for the afternoon. She kept calling back to change the costume at least a half-a-dozen times. Then the bombshell hit when she said her brother was going into Manhattan for a meeting, but was coming back out at the end of the work day. I was a little skeptical because, he lives in Manhattan, it IS his Birthday, so why would he come back out to the warehouse if he left early to go into the city? And my policy is that I need 48 hours notice for cancelation, so it couldn't be canceled. I'd be happy to re-deliver, but if he wasn't going to be there, why waste everybody's time? She insisted he would be there.

The last costume change was from a Rapping Gorilla to a Mick Jagger/Ozzy Osbourn-type rock star. The problem was that the rap had already been written and there was no time to re-write it, so the rock star was going to rap out the Birthday song.

Complicating things was that I had House Seats to see "War Horse" on Broadway that night and I was taking my daughter to see it, so we had to be there by a specific time. Tiffany kept calling me as I was driving to the delivery, giving me traffic updates as to where her brother was as he headed back to the warehouse. As I pulled into the parking lot , Tiffany calls me, very nervous that Jonathan will see me upon his arrival. It's a huge parking lot and I told her that unless he was specifically looking for a surprise, and based on where I was parked, it was highly unlikely Jonathan would spot me. And that's exactly what happened. Jonathan arrived and went straight into the building.

Tiffany decides to come down to the car to give me more last-minute instructions. It was then I got to meet her face-to-face and she got to see me sitting in the car with a 16 year old! I offered no explanation and Molly just smiled and waved to her. It was the first time all day that she was speechless.

But she quickly recovered and started to give me the scenario about how I should wear my costume and that maybe I shouldn't wear the spiky-haired 80's glam-rock wig I wear for such deliveries. I finally had to stop her and say, "Tiffany, please let me do my job. I know exactly what to do."

With that, I walked into the showroom/warehouse and started talking very loudly about how I was a rock manager and needed to furnish my airplane with Safavieh carpets, talking in a really bad over-the-top cockney accent. When Jonathan turned the corner, he didn't know what to make of me. I then told him I was the lead singer of a Rolling Stone cover band called, "Gathers No Moss" and that I heard it was his Birthday, so the boys and I wrote a little ditty and rapped it.

Jonathan just beamed from ear-to-ear. He told his sister it was the best gift he had ever been given (I don't think that was hyperbole!), and baby sister Tiffany was pleased. She was so pleased, that she called me about four more times on my way into Manhattan to tell me what a great job I did and that her brother can't stop talking about it. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," she said. "You were right".

(a la rapping style)

Let's celebrate, you're 28, knock me off my kiester

You're such a macho guy and yet you're a big fashionista

You're into bath & body goods, on that you should be dwelling

Stick candles underneath our nose, then ask, "How is that smelling?"

"Competitors are criminals", of that you scream and shout

On every website you delight, "Make sure you're whoring out!"

Soon you will go on QVC, where they sell Coach and Gucci

Your dream, by far, to be a star, bigger than Susan Lucci!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (8/22/11 - 8/28/11)

2011-09-18T17:42:00.006-04:00

HURRICANE IRENE

There must be something in the atmosphere that affects and influences people's biorhythms...or maybe it's that primitive, caveman part of us, like the hypnic jerk, where you feel like you're falling just before you fall asleep. I've read that primitive man, or probably our more ape-like ancestors used to sleep in trees. And if you fell out of a tree, well, you were dinner for whatever lurked below. That jerking reflex kept you alive and from falling out of the tree!

It is with that, that I introduce a variety of highlighted deliveries for the week.

The week started innocently enough with a delivery to a 95 year-old retired medical professor from Cornell University; Dr. Roger Greif. An old-fashioned gentleman, Dr. Greif has taught and trained generations of young doctors throughout the years. His wife is a trustee of Goucher College in Baltimore. I had expected to deliver to his apartment on East 87th Street. I was mistaken....it was his house! His HOUSE in New York City. It's rare that I get to go to someone's house in Manhattan. The entire brownstone is his home, and he lives over by Gracie Mansion.

What made this delivery so interesting is the inter-connecting of life's dots; the six degrees of separation. Making some light conversation after, I sang, I asked if Cornell was the only place he taught. Roger said that he had taught at Johns Hopkins in the early 1950's. Then I mentioned that I was reading this remarkable book called "The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks", by Rebecca Skloot, which tells the story of how in 1951, at Johns Hopkins, a young black woman's sample of her cancerous tissues, taken without her knowledge or consent, continued to grow (and are still growing) and turned out to provide one of the holy grails of mid-century biology, making some of the most crucial innovations in modern science possible. Dr. Greif nodded and said simply , "Yes, I knew those people".

Then Wella International sent me to the Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa on Fifth Avenue to send a singing VIP invitation to two stylists/colorists to come to the annual International Trend Vision Awards as guests of Wella. Usually held in Europe in cities like Paris or Milan, for the first time the event is being held here in New York. It's a gathering of 65 other countries. Exciting for all I imagine, except of course, those in the industry who work in New York . So I went, dressed in my tuxedo, and sang a song to the very embarrassed duo, to the tune of "New York, New York", while their wealthy clientele looked bemused by the presentation. The staff was super. They treated me as if I were one of their guests, giving me a cool glass of water with lemon while I waited to perform.

Speaking of lemons, this next delivery was a testament to making lemons out of lemonade.

Toward the end of the week, with the approaching hurricane, things started to get a little wobbly. Maria had originally called me a few weeks back to do a Bachelorette Party-type delivery out in Montauk Point on a Saturday night, but by the time she called the order in, there was no one available to do it, since it's a two-hour drive east and a two-hour drive back. I couldn't squeeze it into what was already on the books. So I sadly had to kiss that one goodbye. But Maria loved the idea so much, she decided to have it done at BLT Fish in Manhattan at the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding/reception at Cipriani's. The rehearsal dinner was also the night before the hurricane. She had asked for a singing chicken because the bride and groom collect stuffed animals and that's the closest costume I have to a stuffed animal. A few hours before the delivery, Maria calls me to tell me that Cipriani's called them to tell them the wedding was being called off. They had no staff for the next night because of the hurricane and they had to postpone it until sometime in October. That's enough to take the wind out of anyone's sails.

But because it was Friday and the hurricane had yet to begin, they were already celebrating their rehearsal dinner with most of the guests who would be attending the wedding, including the bride's Aunt, who is a spiritual leader and the celebrant for the wedding. The couple opted to get married on THAT night, instead of some arbitrary date in October. After a quick "update/rewrite" of the song, Aunt Barbara stepped in to unite them, the chicken was the "cantor-du-jour", and Hurricane Irene christened the festivities.

"Tomorrow was the day, it's true

You were supposed to say, "I do"

But a woman has stepped in-between

She goes by the name of Hurricane Irene"

And finally.......there's Louie. If anyone personified the imminent storm, it was he. It's Lou's 25th Birthday. With his two sisters, they run a Greek restaurant in Brooklyn. He's the cook. Based on what his girlfriend of six months told me, he seemed like a pretty interesting guy. He's of Greek/Mexican descent, speaks Italian, Greek, Spanish, and English, works six days a week, loves to quote liberally from Adam Sandler movies, plays poker with his buddies, and is a big practical joker.

But this goes back to what I've said many times before; a singing telegram is NOT for everybody. You should know the person well enough to know whether or not they are a good candidate for a singing telegram. Louie was not. I'm in Brooklyn, poised to do my chicken delivery. The skies are getting dark and ominous and I'm eager to get back to Long Island before our predicted Category One arrives.

It arrived earlier than expected....in the form of Louie. Oh, was he mad! And I knew it the minute I stepped out of the bathroom to confront him. I'm liberally editing the song, doing my best rendition of an Evelyn Woods Speed Through (look it up!), looking for that hint of a smile. It ain't there and it ain't coming. He finally put his hand up and said, "Stop!" Which I immediately did. I turned, walked back to the bathroom to change, and walked out.

His sisters were very apologetic. I don't take it personally. "It's alright, it happens," I said. I just wanted to get home. I had to walk past Louie and his girlfriend, outside of the restaurant, with him screaming at her and a look of complete astonishment on her face. (A side of him you never saw before? When someone shows you who they are......believe them. The first time!).

The skies opened up as I pulled into my driveway.

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (8/15/11 - 8/21/11)

2011-09-13T00:32:00.003-04:00

GOING FOR THE TRIFECTA!

Evan has already surprised his wife, Stacy, with a singing telegram. It was a year ago, when he sent me to her Dad's dress designer company in the Garment Center in NYC.

This time, they would be dining at Rare Steakhouse in Syosset. Evan's cool. I always admire entrepreneurs, who come up with neat ideas for their business. Evan's is called Bar Mitzvah Bouncer. He provides a party chaperone service in the New York/New Jersey area for Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, Sweet 16 parties, and any other teen party, where parents want peace of mind, supervising the kids, while the parents can enjoy the party, as well. He hires teachers who have that special knowledge needed to deal with the teens effectively -- a great and effective idea!

I have a special kinship with Evan. Both of our wives laughed at us when we told them the type of business we wanted to start.

This time Evan was going for the trifecta; he didn't just want to send me into the restaurant once to sing to his wife again, he wanted me to go out and change my costume and come in a second time, making it three times that his wife has been surprised with a singing telegram in one year.

The first time, I was dressed as the Godfather/Soprano/Goodfellas/Wise Guy character, "Beansy". The second time, I was dressed as the chicken. It was raining like heck outside and the restaurant was packed for a Sunday night, but the owner had no objections to my singing in the middle of their dinner and allowed me to get into my costume inside the front of the restaurant, out of the rain (Nice guy. Note to self; patronize the place!)

Stacy just groaned and rolled her eyes when I turned the corner (She didn't know what else was coming!). But she was very gracious and took it like a pro, while zinging her husband with sideway glances. She was a little down in the dumps because they were supposed to be in the Bahamas Atlantis for her Birthday, but her daughter got sick and they had to cancel at the last minute....and no, this didn't make up for it!

After the first song, I kissed Stacy goodbye, and said, "See you next year!"

Five minutes later, I was back singing as a chicken. All she could do was just stare at Evan. Her Dad didn't even stop eating this time; just kept packing the food in, while I sang! At one point, she said to her husband, "I am so embarrassed!"

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight; I'M the one dressed as a chicken and YOU'RE embarrassed?

On the way out, the restaurant owner said, "So you coming back as Elvis next?"

I answered, "No, why?"

He said, "Oh, the husband mentioned that he was having an Elvis singing telegram, too!"

(Glad I got in and out early!)

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (8/8/11 - 8/14/11)

2011-09-11T23:19:00.004-04:00

WE AIM TO PLEASE!

I work in the service industry. My job is to give the customers what they want. I feel I already offer a unique business; custom-written, personalized songs, and a wide range of costumes from which to choose. But sometimes, customers want something else. Perhaps a costumed character not on my extensive list, a delivery outside of my delivery zone, or maybe a specific song, instead of a personalized one.

As long as their request doesn't hurt or offend anybody, I usually comply; or make the attempt to comply. After all, as I said, it's a service business. I never say "No!" The next step, of course, is pricing the request to close the deal. The rental of a costume, the extra charge for transportation, or taking the time to download a song and then learning it. All of that costs money and has to be factored into my price for the specialized service. And most customers understand that and have no problem paying the additional fee.

Rakel contacted me from Sweden. She's working temporarily in the Stockholm office of B-Reel -- a production company that produces digital, film, and animation. It's her first Anniversary for her and Patrik; they've been dating a year. Her request was pretty unusual. She wanted a male singer to arrive at the New York office of B-Reel, dressed as a big red heart, and sing two specific songs.

The first song was "You and Me", by Penny and the Quarters, which became a hit when it was used in the Ryan Gosling film, "Blue Valentine". No problem. That was easy.

The second song was a little bit more unusual. Apparently, they have this private joke between them that has to do with a South Park episode, where a hand-puppet sings a song a la Jennifer Lopez, called "Taco-Flavored Kisses" .

And the request was to sing that second song, JUST LIKE the puppet sings it on the YouTube clip. Well, it took a couple of dozen times of listening to it over and over to get the rhythm and the pronunciations right ("Fulfill all your weeeeshizz with my taco-flavored keeeeesizz"), but in the end, I nailed it: picture perfect.

Now I can't get the damned song out of my head!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (8/1/11 - 8/7/11)

2011-09-10T20:23:00.009-04:00

A FITTING TRIBUTE FOR A FINAL BIRTHDAY

......and sometimes, when you are faced with tragic news, you want to help ease the burden a little bit, get them to enjoy the here and now, and make someone's day just a little bit brighter.

Gina called, asking for a quote to do a singing gorilla with a pink tutu for Little Egg Harbor, NJ; a place I had never heard of. It's a little bit north of Atlantic City and having recently driven down there, I wasn't eager for another six hour round trip. I told her that Little Egg wasn't in my coverage area, then gave her the phone numbers of other companies out of Philadelphia that might be able to do it for much less.

I almost felt embarrassed to quote her my rate. I'd also be limited to a specific time, since I'd have to leave by 9 AM in order to get there somewhere between Noon and 1 PM, getting me back to Long Island by 4:30, 5:00 for my other deliveries.

Gina's Dad, Frank, was going to be celebrating his 70th Birthday and the family had just received some pretty devastating news; he had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and this Birthday was more than likely going to be his last.

His kids and grandkids were all going to be seeing him later on the weekend, but because of their schedules and jobs and distance needed to travel to get there, no one was going to be with him on his actual Birthday.

I told Gina I'd go above and beyond -- write as long a song as I would need to fit in as much information she wanted to give me, as well as throw in a balloon bouquet, but I couldn't do it for less than my quote.

I don't know what happened with the other companies, but she called back in the evening, the night before Frank's Birthday. "They are less expensive," she said, "but I don't like what they're offering. We want to go with you."

She and her siblings had reasoned that this would be all the future Christmas gifts, Father's Day gifts, and Birthday gifts, that they'd no longer be able to give him, all rolled into one.

"Gina, you're breaking my heart."

I got right to work, writing the Mother-of-all-gorilla-in-tutu-songs for Frank, a retired auto body mechanic, who now spends his days fishing and crabbing. There was also the story of how, many years ago, while trying to cut a bush, he cut off the cat's tail, and part of his finger!

His wife and neighbors were there to take pictures. We laughed. We cried. Frank exhausted his repertoire of Polish jokes (despite my Polish heritage, I laughed). I stayed until they ran out of different combinations of poses for the camera.

"This animal lover is whom we hail

Cutting a bush, cut off his finger,

And the cat's tail!"

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (7/25/11 - 7/31/11)

2011-09-10T01:10:00.005-04:00

PETER PAN IS ALIVE AND WELL AND SLEEPING ON HIS FRIEND'S COUCH IN SAYVILLE!

David turned 40 this week. All of David's friends are married and have children. David's single and spends most of his time hanging out with all his married friends and their kids. By the end of the night, he usually winds up crashing on their couch. "Better not sit there. That's where David's going to sleep!"

So David's friends ordered an Elvis for his Birthday. I show up and they're all shooting pool. The pool table takes up the entire living room ( they're ALL just big kids!).

David is an independent film producer, who, when he's not searching the data base for a suitable mate on Match.com, he is taking enneagram personality tests, crossing yet another feat off of his "Adventure List", hanging out at the Walt Whitman Shopping Center, and eating his hamburgers "topless" (no bun!).

Oh yeah, I suspect he's kind of anal, too. When you invite him over for dinner, he not only brings his own food, but he goes through your cupboard and reorganizes it! Yup.....this bachelor's a real catch!

But in all seriousness, David took the roasting in good stride. That's his greatest asset; the ability to laugh at oneself!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (7/18/11 - 7/24/11)

2011-09-08T10:22:00.002-04:00

DANTE'S INFERNO -- HOT! HOT! HOT!

(recap of a gaggle of deliveries in mid-July)

A solid week of heat this week, where the temperature hovered in the high 90's - low 100's. Hot doesn't begin to describe it. I wake in the morning chanting "nogorillasorchickenstoday, nogorillasorchickenstoday, nogorillasorchickenstoday"....

But I cheerily book them when they're ordered. It's such an odd feeling, as I step into costume and immediately feel the waterworks of sweat cascading down my back and slosh my way into a room to sing. (So THIS is what Hot Yoga feels like!)

* Had a delivery for a producer at NBC Nightly News. This one was in a tuxedo. Parking is a little bit of a problem in NYC, so you kind of have to find it where it exists and walk to your destination, otherwise you've got to shell out about $20 - $30 to park in a garage in mid-town for an hour. But I found a spot on the street about ten city streets north and three avenues west of 30 Rockefeller Center. Parking was limited to one hour, so I had to make tracks. A 15 minute walk going and a 15 minute walk coming back only gave me about 30 minutes of wiggle room. I don't think I got more than three blocks before my white tuxedo shirt was drenched. I carried my jacket, instead of wearing it. When I got to the building, I looked as if I had melted and asked for ten minutes in the men's room to "dry off". Then I sang to Megan about her craving for Magnolia's Banana Cream Pie and how she's known as the "Obit Queen" around the office. She's the go-to girl whenever a celebrity dies. Upon completion, it was a mad dash back to my car.

* Freddy works for NYC sanitation and lives in Staten Island. He broke his ankle playing basketball in a pick-up game and couldn't work on the trucks, so his friends sent a gorilla/doctor. He felt so sorry for me singing in the heat, he gave me a six-pack of beer.

* David got a pink gorilla in a commercial high rise building in East Rutherford, NJ. He was on the phone when I arrived, so they put me in a conference room to wait.....and wait......and wait...... It had been a very long, hot day. I put my head back in the cool, dark conference room. The next thing I know, someone's nudging me awake. I had fallen asleep in my costume....I have never done that before. This heat sucked all the energy out of me.

* The very next day, I have to sing to a fireman in Paterson, NJ. His wife sent him a cowboy, because he loves cowboys and horses. Just as I show up to the station house, they're called out on an alarm. Bad timing. They were gone for an hour. It was my last delivery of the day, so I didn't mind waiting, and given his job, it's the least I could do. I couldn't hang out in the firehouse, so I waited in my car, windows open and half out of my costume. With the evening heat, humidity, and hot winds blowing, there was no relief. Again, I made the mistake of putting the baseball game on the radio and putting my head back.....damn, if I didn't fall asleep again! Awoke to his wife at my car window, saying, "He's baaaaaaaaaaaaack!"

* Sunny's parents are away and her friends out west in Los Angeles heard she's throwing a big Birthday pool party for herself with her folks out of town. Dressed as a chicken, I felt a kinship to my slaughtered brethren being barbecued on the grill next to me when I entered the backyard. It's probably the only time I would not have minded if someone decided to throw me into the pool. But these costumes are a bitch to dry when wet!

* Carmela works in a laundrymat. Her boss sent her a comic Elvis for her Birthday. Seemed like a pretty cut and dry delivery, until I pulled into the little shopping strip to park my car in the shade and change into my costume. It was right about then that three police cars came tearing into the parking lot with sirens wailing to collar some guy, who I later found out was dealing drugs. It was a stakeout and they pounced hard and fierce. After about a half an hour of waiting for things to settle down, I was eager to get into the laundrymat to sing, so I just stepped out of the car and made my way across the parking lot....dressed as Elvis! It was a very cinematic effect as I walked by the crime scene. I felt as if I was walking in slow motion as all the policemen and the drug dealer stopped what they were doing to turn their heads as I walked by and into the laundrymat.

* And finally....I ended this blistering week with a delivery on High Line Park; the "park in the sky". It's a NYC park built on the former elevated freight railroad spur of the West Side Line from West 12th Street to West 30th. Emi's family and friends were giving her a Bachelorette Party and opted to have me sing to her on the public stroll through the park instead of at the restaurant . After a week's worth of gorillas and chickens in the blistering heat, I "urged" her sister to go with street clothes in lieu of a formalized costume. Better to catch Emi by suprise and have a pedestrian just start singing to her. Apparently, there is some connection to Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman." So after narrowing down which party of ten females walking in party hats and hornblowers was Emi's group, I leapt into song. As I was leaving, I caught part of a couple's conversation behind me. "I don't know, why you don't you ask him?", the woman said. Then, directed at me, I heard, "Excuse me, but were you just a singing telegram?" I turned to find this gentleman, his wife, and their three daughters facing me and replied in the affirmative. The man broke into a big satisfied grin and said, "You sang at our Wedding 22 years ago at the Lawrence Jewish Center! You were a gorilla in a tuxedo!"

"How did you know it was me if I was a gorilla then and now I'm in street clothes?"

"I recognize your voice!", he said

"You've been busy!" I said, noting the three girls. "Well.........Mazel tov!" I said as I walked away.

"That's what you said 22 years ago!", he shouted.

What a week!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (7/11/11 - 7/17/11)

2011-09-08T00:11:00.003-04:00

HOW TO KEEP YOUR WITS WHEN EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU ARE LOSING THEIRS!

Marta's from Poland and she turned 25 this week. She also works at the Wall Street Journal. It hasn't been a good week for Rupert Murdoch and his News Corp. media empire with the phone-hacking scandal at the now defunct News of the World newspaper in the United Kingdom.

Even worse, this afternoon, his right-hand man, Les Hinton, resigned as the Chief Executive of Dow Jones (the parent company of the Wall Street Journal).

So I guess you fiddle while Rome is burning, right? On the very day the Chief Executive is resigning, some of his staff is sending a pink gorilla to Marta, a sales planner, trying to brighten her day ( and I imagine everyone else's) and add a little bit of levity to the dark cloud hanging over the media tycoon's empire....glad to oblige!

So I sang about Polish kielbasa and pierogi and drinking Dogfish Head beer.

You've got to admire a company, whose owner is having the worst week of his professional career, if not his life. Rupert's employees are trying to keep some kind of sense of humor in their heads, while everyone else is losing theirs!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (7/4/11 - 7/10/11)

2011-09-06T19:13:00.003-04:00

ON SECOND THOUGHT.............

I'm not sure Orly thought this one entirely through. She wanted to celebrate her one-year dating Anniversary to Josh, by sending him a gorilla in a tutu to Blackrock in Plainsboro, NJ.

Blackrock is the largest money manager in the world. When you walk into one of their buildings, you'd think you were in Fort Knox, with all the secrecy and all the security. Even the name sounds kind of ominous.

Apparently Orly and Josh met while working out at the gym. He is as tall, young, and tattooed as she is beautiful; a perfect match! However, the info she was giving me was better suited for a private, more intimate setting among friends, not co-workers.

(TMI !)

I kept asking her, "Are you sure it's OK to say this?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah," she replied.

All I'm thinking about is how am I going to get this past security since Orly did not have a contact person on the inside. I figured that the worst-case scenario was that they would have to call Josh down to security and I'd deliver the song there, instead of up on the trading floor, among co-workers.

Sure enough, I walk in the building and I'm immediately confronted by a cadre of retired cops, who now work the security detail for Blackrock. But they were cops with a sense of humor. Instead of calling Josh down, I got a police escort up to Josh. All five of them. It was an escort, because no one wanted to stay behind. They all were eager to see the gorilla in a pink tutu deliver to this huge guy.

When I walked into his office, which was just off of the open trading area, Josh was on a conference call. He figured out was about to happen and managed to jump off of the call. He knew he was trapped and there was little he could do ( he COULD have told me to leave, but I think he was trying to save face in front of his co-workers)

Josh kept his head down the whole time. I'm pretty good at "reading" people, so I'm always very aware of body language. He winced when I mentioned the part about him sending "naughty pictures" to Orly, especially in light of the recent Anthony Weiner sexting scandal. It was clear he was never going to hear the end of it from the guys (and the cops) at Blackrock.

Forget about the two-year dating Anniversary....I'm taking bets on whether or not they're going to celebrate their 13-month dating Anniversary in early August.

On the escort back down to the lobby, one of the security guards said, "You have the best job in the whole freakin' world!".............That I do!

"You put Orly in a fix

When you send her naughty pics

To travel 'round the world, you choose

Where you show everybody your tattoos!"

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (6/27/1 - 7/3/11)

2011-09-05T18:13:00.008-04:00

A VISIT FROM SISTER MARY ELEPHANT!

(Who wants to work after coming back from a glorious week in Rome?....well, I guess I do if I have to pay for the trip!)

James is a former high school acting student of mine. I used to direct him in his High School musicals. He went on to major in music at Wesleyan University in Connecticut. His focus is Prog Rock and his band is Edensong (heavy influence of Dream Theater, as well as Ian Anderson/Jethro Tull.)

He brought me in to play keyboards/piano on their first CD, entitled The Fruit Fallen. They love to play funky time signatures (17/8, 23/8....which drove me absolutely crazy). The drummer would always say to me, "Don't try to count it, just feel it!" (He was right).

I used to make fun of myself in the group, calling myself "Grandpa", but they were very accepting and preferred to call me the "saucy Uncle!"

Anyway, James is getting married in August to a girl he met up at Wesleyan. His Bachelor Party was held in a music studio in NYC. His buddies surprised him by flying in the original vocalist from Dream Theater, who now resides in San Diego, to hang out and jam with James. They had me come dressed as a nun and I sang the song to the tune of "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria", from The Sound of Music.

I considered it a privilege to catch him mouth agape and speechless!

(sung to the tune of "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria")

No argument here, you are Sarah's Adonis

The very thought of you evokes a smile

Progressive Rock's your thing, can't stand Alanis

We cannot ignore

Dream Theater is more your style

We'll find you making soup two in the morning

Studio engineer's your rightful place

It drives you nuts, no bull

To have your back hair pulled

But "I am not a boundary in this case"

My friends, this wedding soon will be upon us

It's married life that you will soon embrace!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (6/20/11 - 6/26/11)

2011-09-04T19:52:00.002-04:00

BUON GIORNO, ROMA!

Short week........taking my daughter to Rome for six days for her Sweet 16th Birthday. A rather impulsive, last-minute decision (literally one week's notice!), when I realized she'll be out of the house and off to college in only two years , whether we go or not and I'll never get this time back again.

Before I leave though, I have managed to squeeze in a couple of deliveries, specifically a Godfather/Sopranos/Goodfellas-gram for Barbara's 50th Birthday from all her girlfriends in "The Book Club Chicks"; a group of women who get together periodically to socialize and discuss a book they have chosen to read.

Sometimes, if the author is within the New York area, they invite the author out to their home to talk about their book. The last book they read, Sleeping With Mortals, by Catherine Goldstein is tell-all tale about a New York mistress, who decided at 19, that she wanted to be a career mistress......Ms. Gold-Digger, er....I mean, Ms. Goldstein writes a slightly "fictionalized" account of her life.

Roundly panned by Barbara's Book Club, they all had a good laugh and relived it again, as "Beansy" claimed to be Ms. Goldstein's agent and was here to settle some scores!

Rome.......it's enough to consider opening a Preppygram franchise in the City of Love.

Ciao!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (6/13/11 - 6/19/11)

2011-09-03T23:36:00.002-04:00

YOU GO FIRST.......NO, YOU GO.......NO, I INSIST, YOU GO!

Seth and Kim seem to be having a contest with Dan and Steph. Both are young couples. Seth and Kim are married and the other couple are engaged (couple is a collective noun, hence the plural verb!).

Kim runs a dance school, called "Arts in Motion", and Seth is a drummer who plays in a band called "East of the Wall" in and around the New York Metro area. Neither couple have a child yet and they're both eager for the other couple to go first.

This past Mother's Day, Kim and Seth gave Steph a Mother's Day gift for a "first time Mother." So for Father's Day, Steph and Dan decided to up the ante and return the favor by sending an attractive young woman to sing to Seth for his first Father's Day.

Apparently Seth and Kim have named their "faux baby boy" Fusion. The joke was that Fusion is being breast-fed on Starbucks and Seth was already teaching the baby to snowboard.

This all must have been very confusing for THEIR mother and father, who were there to celebrate Father's Day for Seth's Dad, but "Quasi-Grandad" and "Quasi-Grandma" had a good sense of humor about the whole thing.

Wonder if by next Mother's Day we'll be singing for real to either Kim or Steph?!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (6/6/11 - 6/12/11)

2011-09-02T17:30:00.006-04:00

I GAVE HIM A SONG HE COULDN'T REFUSE!

Gail is fast becoming a good friend and a great customer. She is a real estate broker out east on Long Island. And I'll bet she's a good one; she's fast on her feet, quick with her tongue, and sees an opportunity in every situation. She's funny and sharp.

It's Joe's Birthday. Joe is about as Italian as they come. Actually born and raised on Mulberry Street in New York's Little Italy. Gail wanted to surprise her boyfriend with one of my Godfather/Sopranos/Goodfellas singing telegrams at Mario's in East Setauket.

The creation of my Godfather character is loosely based on a man to whom I delivered many years ago, who worked for..........well, let's just say I was told he was a "knock-around kind of guy". I made the mistake of asking exactly what that meant, only to be told (after a long pause), "He beats up people for a living"

.......OKAY!

Anyway, his name was "Beansy". All these guys have nicknames. Half the fun is trying to figure out why they're given their nickname. I didn't figure it out until I met him. He talked like he had beans in his mouth! I loved the name, so when it came time to choose a name for this Soprano-style messenger, it was a no-brainer; "Beansy was born!

Back to Joe -- he was celebrating at Mario's with his two grown sons and his girlfriend, Gail. My job is to kind of surprise him at the table in the middle of dinner. I walk by the table, pretend to do a double-take, and then say, "Joe? Is that you, Joe? It's me, "Beansy" from Mulberry Street."

Unbeknownst to me (and apparently his girlfriend), Joe grew up with a "Beansy" from Mulberry Street. He gives me a classic "WTF?" look. I already knew, by the information Gail had provided, that Joe had a quick, hot temper. Truly, I thought he was going to shoot me right then and there. So I did the one thing I do really well....I broke into song. Joe's stuck with his soup spoon halfway between the bowl and his mouth, trying to process what's going on......and then the tears start flowing down his cheeks. He's crying, he's laughing, he's NOT shooting.....

He wouldn't let me leave. Joe insisted I sit at the table to have a glass of wine with him. I've got a friend for life. If I ever need anything, I just call Joe.

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (5/30/11 - 6/5/11)

2011-08-25T21:42:00.006-04:00

BEST. TELEGRAM. EVER.

John's back! John is the manager of a local strip club on Long Island ( see my March 10, 2009 entry for an earlier Valentine's Day story).

"Kerry, will you go to Atlantic City this Friday night?"

"John, it's Wednesday! I need more notice. That's a 3 1/2 hour drive down and a 3 1/2 hour drive back!"

"Well, technically," he says, "late-Thursday night after midnight is Friday, so can you go down tomorrow night after midnight?"

"You want me to deliver after midnight? What is she, a stripper?"

(dramatic pause) "Yeah," John says.

<aw jeeze>......."Alright," I said, "Let me clear it with the club and make sure it's cool for a chicken to sing onstage with a bunch of strippers. There might be rules against that!"

I called the club manager, who couldn't believe what I wanted to do. He didn't even know it was the girl's Birthday. But he was pretty excited about it. He told me to give him a head's up call when I'm about half hour away and he'll make sure she's dancing onstage.

So I call John back to tell him he couldn't afford what I need for this job, because it's at least a seven hour drive round-trip and more than half of that time is after midnight. I wouldn't get back to Long Island until about 4:30 AM.

John doesn't flinch at the price and then offers that he's going to come down to Atlantic City to see it; not because he doesn't trust me. No, he really wants to see the look on her face when a chicken is singing to her in the middle of her dance.

John ends up leaving for Atlantic City about two hours before me and is calling me constantly on my cell phone, giving me traffic updates; my own personal Shadow Traffic report!

I arrive in Atlantic City around 11:30 PM and stop at a Dunkin' Donuts for coffee. I haven't been there since the late-70's, when my wife and I were in college and she was doing summer stock just outside of Atlantic City and it was just beginning it's renaissance. My, my, my -- how the place has changed! But still, one block away from all the glamour and glitz , it's still pretty seedy.

I call the club; they're all ready for me. "Come on down!" the manager says. "Everybody's here!"

When I arrive, it's like a welcoming committee. The music stops and I step out onto the stage. It wasn't exactly like the singing telegram in the Jeff Bridges film, "The Fisher King", but you could hear the proverbial pin drop. Nikki and I are all alone on stage.

Suddenly, Nikki becomes very aware that she's naked. I'm singing to her, and she's trying to cover herself with her arms. Nowhere to run. I'm blocking the only exit she has. I take my sweet time singing, even grabbed the pole at one point and twirled around it. Some drunk patron took a wad of dollar bills and stuffed it into my chicken costume!

It was all over way too soon for my liking. Of course, for Nikki, it was an eternity. The club erupts with everyone hootin' and hollerin' and singing Happy Birthday to Nikki.

And it wouldn't be proper to leave without hugging the Birthday girl; something I ALWAYS do! I'm sure it felt just as good for her, as it did for me. At least she was covered now!

John's sitting with his bucket of beer bottles on ice, grinning ear-to-ear, enjoying the whole thing. I change quickly and go back in to say goodbye to John, who gives me a nice fat tip to boot; icing on the cake!

I arrive back on Long Island, just as the sun is rising in the east.......it was so surreal. You couldn't wipe that smile off my face for days!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (5/23/11 - 5/29/11)

2011-08-25T01:46:00.004-04:00

ONE FOR MY BABY AND ONE FOR THE ROAD...........NOT!

Chadwick (how's that for a name?)......sounds like entitlement, like Thurston Howell III, but Chadwick is from Arkansas and he's a terrific, down-to-earth kind of guy. He just made one mistake a couple of years ago. He followed some young gal up to New York from Arkansas and then promptly got arrested for a DWI.

Not too long after that, the relationship went south. But not Chad. He had to remain here, on probation and couldn't go anywhere. So he made good use of his time by working hard and completing his college education in Brooklyn.

His good friend, James, back in Arkansas, sent a congratulatory telegram of a singing cow, now that the probation period had expired, leaving Chadwick to go wherever his wanderlust would take him. Apparently, the reference to the cow has to do with some unprintable college prank Chad pulled back home in Arkansas.

Most people will add on balloons or flowers with the singing telegram. But not James. His warped sense of Arkansas humor deemed it necessary to add a a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black to the delivery.

A little of the hair of the dog that bit him!

Kerry

Preppygrams

"Gram of the Week (5/16/11 - 5/22/11)

2011-08-23T00:06:00.005-04:00

"IT'S RAINING, IT'S POURING, THE OLD MAN IS SNORING........"

And sometimes things don't go exactly as planned. Sean's Mom and Dad are divorced....VERY divorced. Apparently they don't speak to one another, so communication is a huge issue both among the family and I would assume anyone who interacts with them....like me. Sean's up here in New York with Dad while Mom is down in Florida on vacation. He just graduated from Boston University and it's his Birthday.

Mom wanted to surprise him with a Rapping Gorilla at his father's house early in the morning before he got up and started his day. Sean's sister was also going to be at the house and knew I was coming (we always have to have a contact person if the sender is not going to be at the delivery site).

So that begs the question; Why did the door go unanswered early on a Tuesday morning in May in the middle of a torrential rainstorm on Long Island? It was pouring out....I rang the doorbell....I knocked....I pounded....I called every number on my cell phone.....nothing.

I could even hear the dog barking loudly inside. Sean, his sister, and his father were home. All the cars were out front. I go back to my car and call Mom in Florida, who tried to tell me I must be at the wrong house, because she spoke to her son some 30 minutes earlier. "Try again", she said.

Remember, I'm dressed in a full-bodied gorilla costume, with black leather jacket, bling, and a Yankee baseball cap...and the rain is teeming.

Doorbell....knock....pound....call....dog barking....rinse....repeat.....Nothing. Nada. ZIP.

I'm soaked.....the telegram in my hand is saturated. The ink has run on the paper. 20 minutes of this. I'm beginning to think I must be a masochist to endure anymore. Sean is clearly not coming to the door or they're all dead!

Completely flummoxed and frustrated, I start to walk back to the car, when the front door opens. Dad is standing there in t-shirt and shorts, soaked in sweat, and breathing heavy. "What the hell's going on?" he yells. "I'm downstairs working out, the dogs are barking, and my daughter has been screaming for 20 minutes to get the g-d damned door!"

Suddenly, I get very calm. I take the gorilla head mask off (it had been on the whole time) and ask to see Sean. "He's in the shower", he barks.

I tell him I have a singing telegram for Sean for his Birthday, sent from his Mother, and that Sean's sister knew I was coming, having arranged it with her Mom the day before. I see the disgust in his face every time I mention his ex-wife.

"It's pouring out....I'm soaked....Do you mind if I wait inside by the door here until Sean gets out of the shower?", I politely inquire.

"Yes I DO mind..... I don't know you. I don't know who you are."

"But your daughter DOES!" She helped arrange this with your ex-wife. Can't you call her down?"

"My ex-wife is crazy!", he said

I took a leap. "It's a pity you got divorced; You deserve each other. Tell Sean his Mom says 'Happy Birthday' ", I replied. You gotta draw the line somewhere.

And I turned and swam back to the car.

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (5/9/11 - 5/15/11)

2011-08-21T14:07:00.005-04:00

(I should've just asked for Dinner for Two, instead!)

Had I known, that's exactly what I would have asked for! For the unfamiliar, the Zagat restaurant survey rates restaurants based on diners' reviews. They rate the food, decor, service, and cost based on a 30-point rating system and often include witty, pithy comments by the wanna-be restaurant critic, who lurks within all of us. According to Zagat's, the average cost to dine at Per Se Restaurant in Columbus Circle, in New York City, is $300........per person!

I received an email from their California corporate office, The French Laundry, where Chef Thomas Keller's restaurant group is located. Per Se had just been awarded "Outstanding Service" from the 2011 James Beard Foundation's Restaurant and Chef Awards and they were being sent a congratulatory greeting from the Left Coast.

I was to sing to the staff, who gather for the evening's instructions, just before the doors opened for dinner, highlighting a few names of those that made the award possible. I had suggested a singing chef, but the corporate office opted for the tuxedo instead. I wrote the song to "Food, Glorious Food", from the musical "Oliver" and was politely received with "golf claps"!

I left with some "parting gifts" -- Per Se chocolates, which I promptly scarfed down, as soon as I left the building. But DINNER.....in lieu of payment, definitely, I should have just asked them for "dinner for two" as compensation for my efforts!

(sung to the tune of "Food, Glorious Food")

It can't be ignored

So Congratulations

You won the award

From the James Beard Foundation

No restaurant deserves it more

How could you be nervous

Since Per Se won it for

"The Best Service" !

Just look at this team

There's not a bunch sweller

You went to extremes

So thank you, Chef Keller

For giving Per Se the keys

That's part of the plan

And it was Laura

Who let you drive

As fast as you can!...................

Kerry

Preppygrams

"Friday" Parody- Adelphi Cabaret, May 6th and 7th, 2011

2011-08-19T00:30:00.004-04:00

Aside from running a full-time singing telegram company, I am also an adjunct professor at Adelphi University in the Theatre Department and the General Education Department. I teach Mechanics of Voice to the incoming Freshmen Theatre majors, as well as a First Year Seminar on Songs and Song Writing to the general freshmen population at large.

I also direct one or two productions a year. This spring, I was asked to be musical director for the cabaret. Adelphi cabarets are a 40-year tradition at Adelphi. They are kind of like Saturday Night Live skits with musical numbers. Sometimes they are original songs, written specifically for the show, and sometimes musical parodies; send-ups of popular show tunes or Top 40.

This year's cabaret was called "Walkie Talkie to Wi-Fi" or MOdernn technoLugY and the Dumbbing DoWn of AmeriKah LOL" (sic). It was directed by Kelley Lynn, a very funny comedienne, writer, and stand-up comedy teacher.

As we were writing material for the Cabaret, Rebecca Black was hitting the charts with her insipid, tedious, pedestrian, but CATCHY tune called "Friday". As a musical composer, that song broke all the rules on what NOT to do for music writing and as a father of a 16-year old, I felt sorry for the abuse, vitriol, and hate that was undeservingly heaped upon this young girl. It takes guts to endure that maltreatment. I wanted to write a parody of that song in the show, but needed a subject.

If you've been paying attention, you know that May 21st was the day chosen as the Rapture by "prophet" Harold Camping. I felt compelled to write a song about the upcoming Rapture, with complete confidence that we would all still be here on Sunday, May 22nd. I used Rebecca Black's "Friday" as my template.

Below is the Youtube clip of the cabaret dress rehearsal the night before we opened.

Funny thing is, some people thought it was serious and that we were some kind of fundamentalist, evangelical group crowing about the End Times!

The Rapture. Lyrics are below.

May 21st, waking up that morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta be prepared
Gotta have my purse and
some clean underwear
Time's runnin' out, the horn's a-blowin'
Right before your eyes we'll be disappearing
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta check the bus, I won't see my friends

No one in the front seat
No one in the back seat
Gotta make your mind up
Don't be left behind

It's Rapture, Rapture
All the good souls get captured
Everybody's lookin' forward to that
Rapture weekend
Rapture, Rapture
It's not a load of crap, sir
Everybody's lookin' forward to the Rapture

Vanishing, Vanishing (Yeah)
Vanishing, Vanishing (Yeah)
Death, death, death -- fun !
Lookin' forward to the End Times

7:30, I'll be drivin' on the highway
I'll disappear from behind the wheel
Float, float, I'm gonna float
Naked as a jaybird
Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus
Catholics will all die
Too late to save your soul
Now you know it

Sittin' by His right hand
Sittin' by His left hand
Put your head between your legs
Kiss your ass goodbye!

It's D-Day, D-Day
"When you'll no longer be"-Day
Everybody's lookin' forward to that
Rapture weekend
D-Day, D-Day
That's your R.I.P.-Day
Everybody's lookin' forward to the Rapture

Vanishing, Vanishing (Yeah)
Vanishing, Vanishing (Yeah)
Death, death, death -- fun !
Lookin' forward to the End Times

Time to shut your trap, sir (trap, sir)
This May i-is Rapture (Rapture)
Me-me-me so excited
Me so excited
Me gonna disappear that day

Soon it will be Judgement Day
Then Rapture comes after...wards
Can't wait for life on Earth to end!

(RAPTURE RAP)
End Times -- It's time for Revelation
The train is pulling from the station
Your choice, rejoice, where will you dwell?
Up in Heaven or the fires of Hell
Watch out! They're talking kinda cryptic
Mark of the Beast -- apocalyptic
Made His list and checked it twice
Who's been naughty and who's been nice?

It's Rapture, Rapture
All the good souls get captured
Everybody's lookin' forward to that
Rapture weekend
Rapture, Rapture
It's not a load of crap, sir
Everybody's lookin' forward to the Rapture

Vanishing, Vanishing (Yeah)
Vanishing, Vanishing (Yeah)
Death, death, death -- fun !
Lookin' forward to the End Times

It's D-Day, D-Day
"When you'll no longer be"-Day
Everybody's lookin' forward to that
Rapture weekend
D-Day, D-Day
That's your R.I.P.-Day
Everybody's lookin' forward to the Rapture

Vanishing, Vanishing (Yeah)
Vanishing, Vanishing (Yeah)
Death, death, death -- fun !
Looking forward to the end Times!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (5/2/11 - 5/8/11)

2011-08-17T15:20:00.003-04:00

συγχαρητήρια Δέσποινα!

That's Greek for "Congratulations, Despina!"

Despina and her friends form a small group of young Greek women and their families, who have been using me for various occasions for years. They reside along the Northern area of Queens....Whitestone, Bayside, Astoria.

It's always a blast to sing at any of their events, because they're usually held at one of the many Greek restaurants that dot the area. You feel as if you're transported back to another time and place, with the food, the music, and the language.

The "Americanization" of these young women has got to be tough on the families; especially the overprotective Dads, brothers, and male cousins. The girls tend to be a little wild through their late-teens and early-twenties, but they eventually come back to embracing their old world customs, given the frequent trips back "home" to Athens and Mykonos.

The celebration for Despina was because she had just passed her Bar Exam. She likens herself to a modern-day Elle Woods from "Legally Blonde": she dresses to impress, she picks her favorite team by the color of their uniform (and how the guys look in them!), and she insists on Five-Star treatment wherever she goes (Cancun, Atlantic City, etc.)

One night in Cancun, she had a little too much to drink and spent about an hour trying to get into her hotel room with her credit card and couldn't understand why it wasn't working!

"Elvis" was called upon to sing the congratulatory song. I always write the Elvis-grams to the tune of "Jailhouse Rock". But the hilarity ensued when I walked into the restaurant, the Greek band was playing.....drums, keyboards, guitar, and a bouzouki! I politely waited until they were finished and started my song.

Usually I warn bands in restaurants that they shouldn't accompany me because I take a lot of liberties with the songs and they throw me off while they try to find the right key. This group "attempted" to play behind me.

There's something very endearing about an Elvis singing telegram, singing to the tune of "Jailhouse Rock" in a Greek restaurant, accompanied by a bouzouki!

Multiculturalism at it's finest.

OPA!!!!!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (4/25/11 - 5/1/11)

2011-08-16T23:57:00.006-04:00

Will. You. Go. To. Prom. With. Me.

There is a song my daughter downloaded recently from iTunes. It's called "Will You Go To Prom With Me?" by the group Hellogoodbye..it's sung in a kind of a death-metal, neanderthal-style, where the singer is barking out his request. It's even kind of catchy after awhile....anyway....

Ryan wanted to ask his girlfriend, Sammy, to the Jericho High School Senior Prom. They've been "dating" since Middle School and you'd think it would be a lock. But "Shmu Bear" was mortified when a tuxedo-clad Marty showed up to ask her to the prom on Ryan's behalf. It was at her home and she was surrounded by family, yet you would have thought this was the most egregious thing anyone could have done to her......she refused to come downstairs (apparently, she had just washed her hair).

What's the big beef about? WE'RE the ones singing, for crying out loud.....maybe it was the acknowledgment of how she's addicted to her Blackberry, the fact that she can fall asleep on command, or that she gets her nails done at Venus every Friday afternoon!

I mean, she'll be attending University of Florida/Gainsville in the fall...isn't that among the top ten Party Schools in the nation? You'd think she'd want to get some practice in before it becomes official!

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (4/18/11 - 4/24/11)

2011-08-15T20:23:00.002-04:00

Ethel turned 95 this week. I have sung to Ethel on two other occasions. Her daughter called me from Anchorage, Alaska to tell me that this will probably be her Mom's last Birthday. She's confined to a wheelchair and residing at a nursing home on Long Island.

Seeing as how I've already exhausted all there is to say about Ethel in the two previous personalized songs, the family just wanted me to come in and sing songs from her era, the 1930's - 1940's.

I happily obliged and hit the internet to find a handful of songs that I could sing. The family told me not to worry about being specific, because Mom probably wouldn't notice anyway, but I was compelled; it's the least I could do.

I chose five songs to sing: "Zing! Went The Strings Of My Heart", "Night and Day", "For Me And My Gal", "Oh What A Beautiful Morning", and "When You Wish Upon A Star".

Well, cut off my legs and call me Shorty! Ethel not only remembered me, but she sang right along with me...EVERY song...... and she knew EVERY lyric. Her family, who had gathered 'round, could only stand with their mouths agape.

They might want to put in an early reservation for next April, when Ethel turns 96!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (4/11/11 - 4/17/11)

2011-08-14T23:34:00.003-04:00

A HATFIELD-McCOY REDUX!

It's the Peluso's vs. the Brennan's. Once Terry (a Brennan) married Lou (a Peluso), the battle was on over which family was better; the Peulso's root for the Mets and watch "Survivor", while the Brennan's like the Yankees and "Modern Family", one family had Irish roots, the other Italian......Their last battle was Christmas Eve and the Brennan's were victorious at THAT confrontation....this time it was Sunday brunch at the 56th Fighter Squadron in Farmingdale. About 40 members of both families were gathered. Appropriately dressed in their team baseball caps and family "colors", the Brennan's were behind hiring me for the "entertainment". I was dressed as a chef and came out of the kitchen to stir up the pot with the Peluso's, claiming they were animals who disrespected my food. Once I started comparing them to the well-behaved Brennan's, THAT's when the hootin' and hollerin' began. The Brennan's were throwing it down and claiming they would prevail once again.

The biggest insult of all -- the song I chose to write to for the Italian Peluso's was "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling", in honor of the Brennan's!

Hey, I know I'm supposed to be the dispassionate observer, but......I AM Irish!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (4/4/11 - 4/10/11)

2011-08-13T20:51:00.007-04:00

Elfayed is the manager of a 99¢ store in Uniondale, NY. Born on a farm near the Nile Delta, Elfayed is an Egyptian journalist for a leftist publication back in his home country. These past few months, there has been a flurry of activity in the Arab world, that started with Tunisia, then escalated to Egypt, Yemen, Syria, and beyond. The President of Egypt, Hosni Mubarak resigned two months earlier in mid-February.

Having just returned from a family reunion in Egypt, Elfayed has been writing furiously about these events, while trying to manage the store and tend to his family here in the States. He's safe here, but he wants to be part of the action. The internet allows him the immediacy of the news, while maintaining a safe, protective distance.

His wife, Edie, looking for a little distraction on his Birthday, ordered a chicken to show up and sing about how his ambition is to be an "interrupter" for the United Nations! Also, he almost flubbed his immigration interview when he insisted that Cream of Mushroom was his wife's favorite "soap".....uhhhhhhh, that's "soup", Elfayed!

Unless his wife feels that Cream of Mushroom leaves her skin feeling softer than Dove, Caress, or Irish Spring. "Manly, yes, but I like it, too!"

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (3/28/11 - 4/3/11)

2011-08-13T01:08:00.001-04:00

The Orthodox Jewish community in Williamsburg, Brooklyn is fixated on one costume and one costume only; the clown! Maybe it has to do with Purim...... I don't know. Birthdays....Anniversaries....Sheva Brochos...you name it...just the clown! And because their Sabbath ends at sundown on Saturday, their parties generally don't start until fairly late; 9:30...10:00 PM......there is always much joy, laughter, and high energy.

Dinah turned 19. She is engaged to marry Lazer very soon. Her future in-laws wanted to welcome her into the family in a singularly unique way.........the clown! Because I'm coming from another delivery, I can't put my make-up on until I get to the location......The street is pretty well-lit, so I put the make-up on IN the car.....the neighborhood is also very active with many festivities going on after sundown and many children are running around in the street....they flock to me like a magnet. Boys all dressed alike in white shirt, black pants, and payess (hair hanging down the side in ringlets) and girls modestly dressed in long skirts, long sleeves, and high necklines. They lean on my car, dirty hands pressed against the window, peering in while I apply my make-up, whispering in Yiddish to each other.

Though born and raised here in New York City, their English is not very good and they have a decidedly distinct accent...my five years of High School German allows me to pick up some words, given that Yiddish is a German dialect with words from Hebrew. One enterprising young boy knows enough to ask me for a "card", meaning a business card.......well, once I hand one out, all the rest of the crew want a card of their very own. Hands are thrust into my face as they say, "A card! Give me a card!" I quickly exhaust my supply.

They are fascinated with this "goy" from outside of their community. I "milk" the makeup session, taking my time applying the make-up, waiting for the call on my cell phone, signaling the coast is clear and to come in and sing to Dinah.

Ten minutes after I sing, I'm back at my car. The kids are nowhere to be found. And if weren't for the smudgy fingerprints all over my window, you would have never known they were there in the first place.

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (3/21/11 - 3/27/11)

2011-08-11T09:28:00.003-04:00

Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS)...Stamford, CT..........on the outside, you'd think it's just another stuffy investment/banking firm, but on the inside, they really know how to let their hair down.....it's Kraig's Birthday, so of all the costumes in my repertoire, some bright, young, enterprising lass decided Winnie The Pooh would suit Kraig best!

Usually, there's some kind of connection to the costume choice. I'm not sure of the appeal, but I suppose it was more outrageous than a chicken, pink gorilla, or full-bodied black gorilla in a tutu.

All Kraig could do was put his hand over his eyes, grin, and bear it.

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot", INDEED!

Kerry

Preppygrams

Okay, okay.....another hiccup

2011-08-10T22:42:00.002-04:00

Sometimes life gets in the way.....you get distracted and then it's, "Well, I'll just blog tomorrow"........and tomorrow becomes "the weekend".......then "next week".....to "next month"...and before you know it five months go by! I have all these stories and "Grams of the Week" piled up...this stuff is too good NOT to blog about.

And with that, I resume.

Picking up from where I left off...... I'll blog daily, adding a "Gram of the Week" each day until I'm caught up.

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (3/14/11 - 3/20/11)

2011-08-10T22:36:00.002-04:00

Lauren's 23; young, single, and Jewish. Maybe Mom should have thought twice before sending a singing gorilla to her apartment on the Upper West Side just before sundown on the Sabbath. Lauren's friends knew we were coming, but they hadn't arrived at her apartment yet. I thought she was going to have a heart attack. So I ended up singing in the hallway, because she wouldn't let me in. Now everyone on the sixth floor knows Lauren's deepest, darkest secrets!

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (3/7/11 - 3/13/11)

2011-03-27T23:47:00.004-04:00

Ashley is the lead singer of a punk rock group . The group sings locally on Long Island at various venues. Matt's in the group, too. I'm not sure what he does, but I think he might play drums. Most of the band is pretty local, but Ashley shleps all the way in from Brooklyn for the gigs and the practices.

Anyway, he really ticked Ashley off last week after a rehearsal at a music studio in Deer Park. He had a little bit too much to drink and Ashley was going to take him out and treat him to dinner. He kinda blew her off at the last minute and.......incurred her wrath.

Matt was wrong and he knew it. He wanted to apologize, but just didn't know how he was going to do it and really seal the deal so he could be sure she'd forgive him. Enter Preppygrams.

"Could you sing an apology?", he asked.

"I can do whatever you want.", I replied. "What do you want for a costume? Gorilla in a heart, chicken, punk rock singer, Goodfella/Godfather?"

"How about a nun?", he asked

"A nun?...... OK...... but why?"

"Because the name of our band is called 'The Nones' "

Well THAT'S convenient! So I trucked over to the studio after band rehearsal, caught Ashley as she was leaving, and sang Matt's apology as Sister Bernstein from Our Lady of Perpetual Motion !

One of the things I love about this job is the reaction of the recipient to being told they're about to be sung to and them trying to process that while looking at a person dressed as a ____________ (fill in the blank!). I focus on their eyes; it's fascinating.

So here's Ashley, understanding that Matt is apologizing to her via a guy dressed as a nun, who is singing to her detailed information that is all about her. Priceless!

Yeah, she forgave him.

Here's a photo

---Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (2/28/11 - 3/6/11)

2011-03-27T21:43:00.003-04:00

Tiffany Pulvino is a role model to all of us in the entertainment industry. She's been plugging away and persevering in her craft for roughly ten years now, and finding work; lots of work! She might not be a household name (yet), but her success makes all of us in the industry proud to call ourselves actors. We root for her continued success.

I didn't know Tiffany before she called me the day before her Mom and Dad's Anniversary in Staten Island. She found me pretty much the way everyone else finds me; through the internet. I've dealt with major celebrities over the years ( Glenn Close, Steve Gutenberg, Jason Alexander, Cliff Robertson, Lindsay Lohan, Tom Clancy, Rupert Holmes, Comden and Green, Donna Murphy, Jerry Zaks, Barry Manilow, Natalie Portman...to name a few) and because these people are essentially my peers, there's a respectful admiration.

Actually, it was Tiffany who volunteered her profession, when she asked me if I was a performer, because "You sound like one", she said. When I countered with "How would you know that?", she said, "Because I am a performer!" A quick Google-check confirmed that.

I like to please all my clients, but entertainment professionals get a little extra service. Tiffany's folks live in the beautiful Emerson Hill neighborhood of Staten Island. The child of hard-working Italians from Brooklyn, Tiffany's Mother was a model and singer who gave it all up to settle down and raise a family.

It took forever to get to the house because most of the highways were in pot hole repair mode, impeding traffic to those venturing out in the middle of the day. Still I got there within my time limit.

The street her parents live on has big homes on small properties. When I arrived to deliver my Anniversary song, the entrance to the house was around back; a very nondescript, but fairly modern style. I walked around back and knocked on the sliding door, looking in to see a large modern kitchen. Mom came to the door and let me in.

"Where's your husband?", I asked. "He's not here.", she replied. "He's coming in from Brooklyn and there's a lot of traffic." I was focused on her and nothing else; totally oblivious to my surroundings, but I sensed a dampness in the air and a faint smell of.....chlorine!

I proceeded to sing my song, made her cry (which I LOVE to do!), and turned to exit. It was at that point, I saw a regulation sized built-in swimming pool.......in the kitchen! "You have a pool in your kitchen!", I exclaimed. "Yes!"she replied ( with a subtle hint of "Well you're very observant, aren't you!"). I kissed her goodbye, wished her well, and went back to my car. I texted Tiffany to say "Mission Accomplished" and to note that there was a swimming pool in her parent's kitchen (as if she didn't know!). She texted back with an LOL!

I was halfway out of my tuxedo, when this car comes down the block and pulls in the driveway. I waited until the driver got out. I rolled down my window and asked, "Are you Chris?". "Yes", he answered somewhat cautiously. "Go inside," I insisted. "Why?" he said. "Just go inside". I put my tuxedo back on and went back to the house to sing once again, but this time to BOTH of them on their Anniversary. And this time, Chris cried.

Mom was great and gracious, offering to feed me. "No," I said, " I'd rather take a dip in your pool just so I can say, I did!"

"You look like a movie star!", she said. "My daughter's an actress out in California."

That made my day. That made my year!

Kerry
Preppygrams

Congratulations Natalie Portman

2011-03-03T19:23:00.002-05:00

Preppygrams congratulates Natalie Portman for being awarded Best Actress at this year's Academy Awards for her work in "Black Swan".

Natalie received a Preppygram for her Sweet 16th Birthday, from one of her summer camp girlfriends, on May 31st, 1997 in New York City.

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (2/21/11 - 2/27/11)

2011-03-03T12:03:00.003-05:00

Straight from the pages of Shirley Maclaine in "Terms of Endearment!"

Shoshana is newly-married and living in Israel now. Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, cell phones, Facebook, Skype, etc., she and her Mother speak MULTIPLE times a day. I used to marvel when someone called me from overseas to place an order, but it seems now as if I'm getting calls two or three times a week from someone in Australia, Dubai, the United Kingdom....or Israel!

Shoshana and her Mom, Dena, have a very special relationship. It seems they are best friends, as well as Mother/Daughter. Mom is in New York, working as a property manager for a co-op on the Upper East Side. Mom is also very hip, young, and attractive...and a ball of energy. She lights up a room with her enthusiasm.

Dena loves working out, a good glass of wine, Eminem, and men in uniform, like firemen (Why didn't you order the singing fireman, Shoshana?)

They do/did everything together; watch "General Hospital", "So You Think You Can Dance?"

I was dispatched to deliver a song, dressed in tuxedo to Dena on the job, stopping first at a Barnes and Noble around the corner to pick up a copy of Sam McBratney's "Guess How Much I Love You?"

In the movie, "Terms of Endearment," one of that movie's iconic moments was when Shirley climbs into her daughter's crib. The audience howled in either recognition of a simpatico moment or at the absurdity of it.

But how many of you have saved your daughter's first diaper?

"Of memories, I'm sure there is none riper
Than having to save your daughter's first diaper"

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (2/14/11 - 2/20/11)

2011-02-20T14:39:00.005-05:00

What do you get for a 60 year old man when the french maid is already booked for the weekend?

Why a guy dressed up as a nun, of course!

Enter Sister Bernstein from that small convent up the road, "Our Lady of Perpetual Motion".

Al, yes another Al ( what are the odds?), was celebrating with family and friends this weekend. A union plumber, Al's a funny guy; a little OCD. Likes to ride his exercise bike every single night at 7PM for a half-hour while watching TV.

Funniest story about Al. When his daughter went into labor, Al and his wife accompanied her into the delivery room. I'm guessing he's a little fidgety, because he spied what he thought were headphones and assumed it was a stereo-system for the mother-to-be to wear while she's in labor.

Not quite, Al. They were part of a sonogram or ultrasound machine. And when he put them over his head, he got gel in his ears. His daughter said she almost gave birth to her son right there watching her Dad squirming, trying to get the gel out of his ears!

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (2/7/11- 2/13/11)

2011-02-20T14:21:00.006-05:00

Alfred's a romantic.

Alfred wanted to propose to his girlfriend of three years, but wanted to do it in a memorable way.

So Alfred told Giselle he had to go to China on business and could she take him to the airport on Tuesday. Giselle agreed and dropped him off at JFK Airport Tuesday morning. After he was sure she was out of sight, he caught a cab back to his home in Brooklyn and hid out for two days.

On Thursday, Giselle met her family for lunch at Café Venezia on Coney Island Avenue in Brooklyn. Unbeknownst to Giselle, Alfred's Uncle situated himself in the restaurant with a video camera and caught me coming in , approaching the table, and singing all these generalities about Giselle. She's trying to process exactly why I'm there, since it's not her Birthday and it's not Valentine's Day........"and how does he know so much about me?"

Alfred had to stay within earshot of my song, because he gets a special cue to come in. I structure the song so that at the very end of the song, I start to sing:

"Al would like nothing more in life
Than for you to be his wife
So now he's down on bended knee.........."

(at which point Al comes in and gets down on his knee in front of Giselle, while fumbling for the ring in his pocket)

"And he's asking........"

(As a rule, I NEVER pop the question. I tell the client, "YOU do the actual proposing. And it has to rhyme with 'knee,' so when I say 'Now he's down on bended knee, and he's asking......,' your job is to say 'Giselle, will you marry me!' ")

It works every single time!

Tears, hugs, kisses, applause from the patrons in the restaurant.

I love this job! Always a happy occassion!

BTW, she said "Yes!"

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (1/31/11 - 2/6/11)

2011-02-20T13:55:00.005-05:00

(ONE of the reasons why I get a little anxious when they order a policeman singing telegram.)

The girls were all gathering in Pompton Plains, NJ to celebrate the 40th Birthday of one of their own. "She's a police dispatcher," they told me. "It would be perfect for her."

What they neglected to tell me was that her husband was the Chief of Police in a nearby town.

Originally, they had preferred I arrive toward the earlier part of the evening. But a very busy Friday and their calling last-minute dictated it be done at the end of their evening, around dessert.

It's late. I troll up and down the block slowly, trying to find the house number because many residents already had their lights off for the evening. I finally pull up in front of the house at 11:00 PM . At that point, I'm vaguely aware of another car pulling up directly behind me. I do my last-minute review of the song, put on my cop "costume" , and step out of the car.

Immediately, the police lights on top of the car behind me, go on.

Generally, I'm a pretty fearless guy, but I came damn close to needing a change of clothes!

"Is there a problem, officer?", the voice from the car respectfully bellowed. My intuition told me that he saw me as a friend, not as a foe. Despite that, I still couldn't help the knees knocking.

"No, I'm doing a singing telegram for someone inside that house," I replied.

"What!" (I could sense the incredulity of his response)

"Yeah, I'm doing a singing telegram for this woman who's a police dispatcher or something."

"That's my wife!" Suddenly, I could feel the breaking bonds of brotherhood trust disintegrating before my eyes. He thought I was a stripper (it was too dark to get a good look at me!)

"No, no, I'm serious. It's just a singing telegram. Come in with me, I'll show you."

He declined and waited outside for me to finish. I'll bet he timed me,, too! I didn't want to linger too long inside for fear he would think I was pulling something over on him.

Fastest telegram I ever delivered!

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (1/24/11 - 1/30/11)

2011-02-20T13:31:00.004-05:00

Bronwyn's folks live in Dubai, one of the seven emirates of the United Arab Emirates. Her Dad is a self-employed HR consultant there. Bronwyn is a young actress-in-training, attending the Lee Strasberg Theatre and Film Institute in NYC. Dad asked if we could deliver a singing gorilla in a tutu at the Institute for his daughter's Birthday.

Despite the fun and festive nature that defines a singing telegram, I made the assumption that the school may have some misgivings about a gorilla walking into class to "interrupt" for five minutes. I called the school the day before to get clearance and was not surprised when they told me they had to think about it. At the end of the day, I called back to say I hadn't heard and I needed to let my client know.

They begrudgingly allowed it, but gave me a list of conditions that had to be met and insisted it be done at the very beginning of a dance class. I made sure I was there a half-hour early. They scooted me away into the Strasberg Library, a small, musty-smelling, stifling room (foreshadowing?).

Class started at 9:00 AM. By 9:15, I was still waiting. I ventured out to see if they had forgotten me and was told the teacher hadn't arrived yet. I suggested that I do the telegram now, since I'd be done by the time the teacher arrived, but they wouldn't hear of it.

Finally they escorted me up to the room, whereupon I walked in and sang to Bronwyn. The teacher scowled at me the whole time and the Birthday girl understandably sensed her disapproval and kept apologizing.

I felt badly for Bronwyn and wanted to tell her that there is a difference between being SERIOUS and being SOLEMN. I hope the Institute doesn't teach actors to be SOLEMN about their craft. You should be serious about your work as an artist, but there's no room for solemnity.

Theatre is about entertaining and having fun.

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (1/17/11 - 1/23/11)

2011-02-20T01:12:00.004-05:00

Small world!

The man called inquiring about sending his Mother a singing telegram for her 80th Birthday. He asked a lot of questions and was insistent that the messenger could sing very well, because his family was a musical family and they were going to be overly-critical of the performance.

I assured him we were professional and that he, his Mother, and his family would enjoy the personalized song that we wrote in honor of the Birthday girl.

I started gathering information and though I was singing to Mom, the son spent a great deal of time talking more about the volunteer work his father did. Somewhere through the fog of writing the information down, I began to focus on exactly WHAT the volunteer work was that his father did.

For years his Dad has volunteered at a local hospital, bringing candy and ice cream to the sick children; trying to make their days a little brighter. I stopped writing to look again at the last name of the woman to whom I'd be singing: Oshinsky.

I asked him, "Is your father MIKE Oshinsky, from Valley Stream?"

The son hesitated and replied, "yes he is"

"And he volunteers at Schneider's Childrens Hospital?", I continued.

"Uh.........yes", was the reply

I knew his father very well. My daughter was a patient there for three years, having been diagnosed with ALL in late-2002. By the time she was discharged, there was no proper way to thank everyone at the hospital for what they did for all of these sick children. My daughter always looked forward to his visits and Mike always let her have an extra Italian Ice because she's allergic to chocolate.

"I know your dad and he's an angel from God! I will personally deliver this telegram", I said.

My wife and I made up a basket of gifts for both the Birthday Girl AND her husband.

Upon delivery, it took a little jarring of the memory ( after all, it had been some five/six years since we had seen each other), but Mike finally remembered our daughter and my wife ( "Yeah, she's an artist! She does calligraphy and draws a comic strip!", he said).

The Japanese Buddhists call it MYOHO; that which cannot be explained.

Oh, yeah...........BTW, the family loved the telegram. They asked me to stay for dinner at the restaurant!

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (1/10/11 - 1/16/11)

2011-02-20T00:56:00.005-05:00

Jessica's 27th Birthday!

Jessica is a practical joker. Jessica is part of the RickRoll trend, where she sends URL links during Power Point presentations, only to have someone unsuspectingly click on the link and have Rick Astley pop up and croon away to "Never Gonna Give You Up".

Her sister, Vanessa, saw the perfect opportunity to "get even" and do a live "Rick Roll" for Jessica's Birthday this week, ON the job, and in front of EVERYONE she's "Rolled".

GOTCHA!

For the very first Live Rick Roll that started the trend, click here: Real Life Rick Roll

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (1/3/11-1/9/11)

2011-02-20T00:17:00.005-05:00

Nice way to start off the New Year. I remembered telling someone once that this job affords me an opportunity to glimpse into the worlds of many different cultures that exist in the Metro New York area, that outsiders rarely get to see. One such "world" is the Hasidic community; a strictly orthodox Jewish sect that live in the environs of various Brooklyn neighborhoods ( Williamsburg, Crown Heights, Borough Park, Flatbush, etc), as well as certain areas of Rockland County ( Monsey).

Over the years, I have developed a good reputation with this community, since I now know, understand, and respect their specific needs: only males can sing, you can never touch the women, the men and women sit separated by a partition, etc)

This particular delivery took me three hours northwest to the foot of the Catskills, to the Lake House Hotel, where Tatty and Mammy Jackobwitz of Williamsburg, had gathered their large kinderlekh to ring in the New Year.

Normally, that is beyond my delivery area, but one of their children is a good customer of mine; using me frequently for Birthdays and Sheva Brochos ( the weeklong celebrations after a wedding). Timing is everything. It was a Sunday evening, usually not a busy time, so I schlepped the three hours up to the Catskills to thank Tatty and Mammy for throwing this big bash, mentioning all the things for which the children are grateful.

This group, more than any other, tend to always order a singing clown. That requires a bit of time and make-up application. So there I was, in the Men's room of the Lake House Hotel, which does not possess a mirror! The woman who ordered the telegram, told me just to go into the Women's room if I needed to use a mirror.

Right! Just what the orthodox community needs; having one of the unprepared female guests, walk into the Ladies Room to use the facilities, only to find some goyim ( non-Jewish person) in there applying make-up. My whole life flashed before me: "But officer, I had to put my make-up on!"

I decided to tough it out and used the reflection off of the paper towel dispenser in the Men's Room.

The delivery went very well. I guess the make-up looked OK (I had no way of knowing!). Before heading back home, I had to take the make-up off (which is a heckuva lot easier than putting on!). Like the Pied Piper of Hamlin, all the grandkids ( approx 12 of them) followed me right into the Men's Room to watch me; boys AND girls! AND THEY WOULDN'T LEAVE! And I had to use the bathroom, but they didn't care. They just laughed and hooped and hollered.

I guess one of the adults heard the commotion, because once he stuck his head in the bathroom door and yelled out something in Yiddish, they scattered, allowing me to complete my business and drive the three hours-plus back home!

Kerry
Preppygrams

Valentine's Day -- 2011

2011-02-15T08:52:00.003-05:00

We're baaaaaaaaack!

....and with a vengeance, it seems. It was a very successful Valentine's Day for 2011; doubled the amount of deliveries from last year! Last year, Valentine's Day was on a Sunday and right before the President's Day, which fell on February 15th last year, so the pickings were slim.

Rick Rolls were big this year. Many people opted out from the usual personalization of our telegrams to instead have a messenger clad in red heart or a gorilla/heart sing the immortal words of Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up". Really quite appropriate for Valentine's Day ( if you ask me!)

Thanks to all my messengers, thanks to my customers, and thanks for the relatively "balmy" weather.

Kerry
Preppygrams

Singing Telegrams vs. The Economy

2011-02-15T08:40:00.006-05:00

I've always considered my business a bellwether of the economy. Over the 30 years I've been in business, the tenor of the economic times was mirrored in the amount of deliveries I did. And it usually was a leading indicator. When times were tight, singing telegrams trickled to a precious few and when things were robust, the phones wouldn't stop ringing.

The "worm has turned". The economy is on an upswing. After two years of being relatively slow in comparison to previous years, orders have picked up considerably.

Kerry
Preppygrams

Well that was a long coffee break!

2011-02-15T08:31:00.004-05:00

(so full of energy with big plans, take a "coffee break", and BOOM! -- Two years go by without a peep)

Time to get back to posting. So much to recount of the daily tuneful songs delivered and making lives a little happier.

I think if I ever had to declare what my mission statement is, that would be it:

Contributing to world peace through song; one telegram at a time!

Watch for " 'Gram of the Week"

Kerry
Preppygrams

From Yelp.com

2009-04-04T01:12:00.003-04:00

Hey, I'm finding this stuff all over the 'net now.

Yelp review of Preppygrams

(for some reason they have my address wrong. That's the way it comes up on a search. Floral Park? I don't think so. Weird.)

Kerry
Preppygrams

Culled from the 'net

2009-04-04T01:05:00.004-04:00

Someone e-mailed this to me today, so I thought I'd post it on the blog!

Birthday Rickroll

Kerry
Preppygrams

It's A Tough Job, But SOMEONE Has To Do It!

2009-03-10T10:49:00.006-04:00

Gotta love John.

John has worked his way up the food chain at a local stripper club over the years. A big, imposing figure, he started as the custodian/barboy/right-hand man and eventually worked his way up to owning three clubs.

John's demanding and asks a lot from his "girls", mostly Russians from Brooklyn, who get chauffeured in by these Russian men who seem to have their cell phones surgically attached to their ears.

Every Valentine's Day, he orders a singing telegram for his girls at all the clubs and gives them roses. Apparently, it's one of the least-busiest evenings of the year; all the guys are home with their wives or girlfriends and the dancers don't make much money.

So I go in at midnight, stand on stage with them, serenade them in my Red Heart ( after telling them I have a "heart on" for them), grab the dance pole, and distribute roses. And THEY give ME tips!

This past Sunday, March 8th, was International Women's Day, a Holiday in Russia (International Women's Day). It's a cross between Valentine's Day and Mother's Day.

John missed Valentine's Day this year and called me at 6:00 this past Saturday, begging me (yes, he begged me to sing to his naked dancers!) to go to his clubs later that night and once again sing to his girls, recognizing the Russian Holiday, and thanking them for working so hard.

How could I say no?

My wife does insist on one thing; I sing..........and then leave promptly after!

Kerry
Preppygrams

Only In New York

2009-02-22T01:44:00.008-05:00

One half-hour apart in terms of delivery time. Both of the deliveries were in Willamsburg, Brooklyn on Saturday night, 2/21. Williamsburg; home to artists, hipsters, old immigrant Italians, Polish, Hispanics, Hasidic Jews..... A true melting pot.

At 11:30 PM, I'm dressed as a clown, delivering a Mazel Tov/Naches congratulatory singing telegram to the Mother of a young bride at her Sheva Brochos. Deceiving apartment; non-descript, typical pre-war building on the outside, and bright, opulent, magnificent grandeur on the inside. A house full of celebrants. Beautiful, smiling women in one room, bewigged in sheitels, dressed to the nines, and serious, pious men in another room in traditional garb, black robes andfur hats ( shtreimel). The Yiddish of these Eastern European Jews flying furiously around the room. My five years of secondary-education German gives me a leg up on what's being said. Lots of pictures, lots of requests to sing it again (sorry, I only sing once!), and taking special care to not touch the women (a big Bozo no-no in this religion!)

I have half-an-hour to get 2 miles north to the other side of the BQE to the hipper, artsier side of Williamsburg, remove the clown make-up and don my priestly garb to sing to a trendy chick who's 40 and equally devout to her "religion", as evidenced by the piercings and the tattooed torso ("running out of skin".. ...I used it to rhyme with the" Siamese twins" she had tattooed on her body, along with Billie Holiday and Josephine Baker!). Joi B. is a published novelist ("Sleeveless"), working on her next novel,and preparing a move to Lawrence, Kansas to move in with her true love, Krysztof N., a pin-up artist (charm-school). I'm hoping they recorded it for YouTube publication. If so, I'll include it on this post at a later date.

Kerry
Preppygrams

****ADDENDUM **** 2/22/09

Received this e-mail from the client this morning in regard to that second delivery in Williamsburg.

Kerry,

aaah!!!

Joi keeps a locked Live Journal that only friends can see, but she's already posted there before bed, so here's that impression:

"OH MY GOD! At midnight plus 10, a man rang my doorbell in the midst of my party and I was like, who the fuck is this IRISH PRIEST and dear god, is he gonna commit me to become a Sister Magdeline or something???? The immediate reaction to a priest ringing your bell when you were raised Catholic is, "Oh SHIT, what have I fucking done NOW?????"

Oh heavens, I done got roasted!!!!!!!! It was insane because it included a singing rendition of my entire life, all inclusive of neurosis and love and hate and THIS IS YOUR LIFE, BITCH !!!!!

JESUS CHRIST !!!

When I am sober and awake, I will include a copy of the whole thing!!!

Maybe even the video.

I am so shocked and kinda ecstatic.

WOW!!

I love you Sheena, Christy, and Krysztof...

All kinds of misty-eyed right now, at 5:30 AM.

Seriously.

GUEST BLOG -- Testimonial from a customer

2009-02-19T12:27:00.003-05:00

Today's blog I give over to a customer who used our services last week for Valentine's Day.

ericaswallow.blogspot.com

Kerry
Preppygrams

Valentine's Day past -- circa 2000

2009-02-14T23:59:00.006-05:00

Kate A. reminded me today that she's been delivering telegrams for me, on and off, for the past ten years. (although Marty holds the record, having worked for me the longest at around 15 years!) I met Kate A. when I was in a production of "Jacques Brel Is Alive And Well And Living In Paris".

Great voice, great presence, and a great sense of direction ( can't work for me without one!)

She works for me in-between acting gigs. She did a two-year stint out West as Snow White's Wicked Evil Queen/Hag at Disneyland, and a National Tour of "Mame" as Mame, among other jobs.

Her very first delivery for me was on Valentine's Day around 1999 or 2000. She delivered to Charlie in Brooklyn.

Poor Charlie!

Apparently Charlie was messing around on his wife and wasn't keeping his promises to his girlfriend. Clever girlfriend thought she'd move things along a little quicker by sending him a singing red heart on Valentine's Day.........to his house.........while his wife was there!

Now, I'm not the kind of guy who will take any order just to get the order. I have a system of checks and balances that should ensure all deliveries are legit. And after 27 years, a few sneak through the cracks...very few! And since I deliver, as well, I'm very protective of my messengers. These telegrams are supposed to be for HAPPY occasions. I didn't see this coming. I prefer to think people have good intentions.

Clever girlfriend was crafty, though. Most of the information was innocuous and there was no hint of an ulterior motive in her voice. She just wanted me to mention all the good times, and all the fond memories, the places they'd been etc. What's not to suspect on Valentine's Day?

So Kate A. arrives early in the morning, Charlie's brother-in-law greets her at the door and invites her in. Charlie's wife is standing in the kitchen, with the frying pan, ready to cook him breakfast. Charlie is sitting on the couch, motionless, deer-in-headlights look on his face.

Kate begins to sing. She knew something was wrong, when he sat bolt upright and shot a glance to his wife at a specific point in the song. Kate decided she had sung enough, cut the song short, threw the balloons and chocolates at Charlie, and mumbled a hasty "Happy Valentine's Day" as Charlie's brother-in-law ushered her out, leaving Charlie's wife standing there............with the frying pan in her hand! All Kate could hear on her way back to her car was Charlie and his wife screaming obscenities at each another.

Maybe Kate A. attracts these kind of deliveries. Another Valentine's Day, she sang to a Dominatrix early in the morning. She learned a valuable lesson: Never wake up a Dominatrix early in the morning!

Kerry
Preppygrams

Happy Valentine's Day -- 2009

2009-02-09T23:45:00.002-05:00

Here we go again! My favorite time of the year! Valentine's Day.

This will be my 27th Valentine's Day of personalized "Be My Valentine" singing telegrams.

Fondest memory? February 1995. My wife got pregnant around June of 1994 and the first thing we did after we found out was run to look at the calendar to see the due date: March 21st, the first day of Spring. Whew! We dodged that bullet. After all, can you imagine having a Valentine's Day baby on Daddy's busiest day of the year?

Well, as "luck" would have it, in January my wife developed pre-eclampsia and had to be on bed rest and hospitalized for the remainder of her pregnancy. The doctor decided that he wasn't going to wait for her March due date, but induce her instead.

"How'd you like to have a Valentine's Day baby?", he asked.

"Don't even think of it", she replied, "My husband would kill me!"

(The doctor later commented that that was the last thing he ever expected to hear!).

"OK, OK", he said, "We'll wait a few days and then we'll induce." (My Birthday is on the 18th of February and I didn't have a problem with sharing my Birthday with my child.)

But my daughter had other plans. She was coming when she wanted to and didn't care about Dad's business. So on Valentine's Day, February 14th, after a long day of delivering 79 telegrams, guess who goes into labor all on her own?

Molly was born at around 6 AM the next morning on the 15th; five weeks premature.

You can't make this stuff up!

--Kerry
Preppygrams

Blog Party!

2009-02-09T23:20:00.002-05:00

I'm an analog guy in a digital world, so I'm a little late to the Blog Party!

This blog will highlight the "Telegram of the Week" or "Memorable Telegrams From the Past" or "Most Unusual Request" and keep you up-to-date with the goings on around Preppygrams Singing Telegrams. Costumes added, messengers coming, messengers going (Goodbye Haseena, enjoy Hawaii.....I'll miss you!) etc., etc., etc.

What it won't be is political ( at least for the time being). I'm not here to alienate my customers. There's no place for that on a business site.

I'll give an occasional "shout out" to those who deserve it. Like my webmaster, Scott at www.artwebsites.net who is very supportive of artists, by the way.

Most of all, remember Mom's advice -- "if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all!" Please be respectful and nice when leaving a comment. I'd like a world with a little less negativity in it.

After all, this is the happiest job one could ever have. A singing telegram is always ordered for a happy event; Birthdays, Anniversarys, I Love You, Marry Me, Congratulations, New Baby, etc.

People will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people never forget how you made them feel.

--Kerry
Preppygrams